Sunday, January 9, 2011

Just saw this on Facebook and had to share

11 Step Program for those thinking of having kids

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!

14 comments:

  1. I love this! It's super cute! I'm just glad that it isn't all that bad! :)

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  2. http://www.realmomreviews.net
    Following your blog! Please follow back!
    If you could follow me on Facebook, that would be awesome too!!
    http://www.facebook.com/RealMomReviews
    Thanks for your time!
    Skye

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  3. haha this is so funny! Thanks for sharing :)

    http://myadventures-in-mommyland.blogspot.com/

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  4. It's so funny, because it's so true! I'm following from Mommy Mondays. Thanks for the laugh.

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  5. Very cute! I'm following now, I always like other mom blogs. They make me feel so normal. Sigh of relief. :)

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  6. This is really brilliant - I've tweeted it, hope you don't mind!

    CJ xx

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  7. I AM YOUR NEWEST FOLLOWER! LOVE YOUR JELLYBEANS!!
    http://divababies.blogspot.com/

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  8. Hahahaha this was too funny and waaay too true! Stopping by from blog hop. If you get a moment I would love it if you could follow back. Have a great week!

    http://mommywantstoread.blogspot.com/2011/01/monday-blog-hop.html

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  9. love this - I posted it on my glog last week too! so funny bc it's true!

    new follower via blog hop! Hope you can stop by my page & return the follow!

    Bernadette
    http://momto2poshlildivas.blogspot.com
    Twitter - @bern425

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  10. Hilarious. Thank goodness mine has grown out of all that...although I still regularly have to introduce her to the location of the trash can...
    Thanks for the follow and the laugh. Following you back. :)

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  11. Oh, this is hilarious! And so so true! I've just popped over from Kate's blog where I read your love story. My hubby is 12 years older than me and had two kids from his first marriage, and so i'm hearing you about the difficulties! So nice to 'meet' you. I'm now following, if you don't mind ;) xx

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  12. New GFC follower from the Totally Tuesday blog hop. Love your background:) Look forward to following your blog.

    Laura
    www.agoddessoffrugality.blogspot.com

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  13. I'm following from the blog hop. Blessings!

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  14. Hi - this is hilarious!! I'm a new follower dropping by from the Tuesday Train.

    Love it if you'd give me a follow at: http://mgphotoart.blogspot.com

    Thanks & Happy New Year!

    ReplyDelete

I always look forward to hearing others thoughts & ideas! Please feel free to leave me a message or "Follow". Thanks for stopping in! I hope your day is GREAT, Tish